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Thoughts – Inconsistency (1)

by on October 24, 2013

September 25th, 2013

Hey guys!

Today, I speak of a certain matter that’s been, LITERALLY, harassing me for weeks now and will, I have no doubt, continue to harass me. It just gnaws at the bone of my conscience and I just… I HAVE to say it. Some call it…

Uniqueness? Eccentricity? Inconsistency? Spontaneity?

As a writer, I always strive to have the most consistent characters (or at least, arrange so that the characters have a good, plausible REASON for changing the way they do in my stories), but the reality is scary: I myself am a most inconsistent human.

Let me explain what I mean by that.

Sometimes, I will truly believe that I follow a certain logic, when actually, based on my mood and on impulses, I will do something completely illogical when compared to the logic I usually follow. Most of the time, I won’t have a reason in particular behind the change.

Am I deranged?
No.

I dedicate this irregular behaviour of mine to either
a. some kind of Psychic who takes over my brain for brief moments with hopes that I won’t notice
b. to moodiness
c. in some ways, to immaturity
d. maybe it’s just laziness, also
e. OR it could just be the way I was raised? I mean… something inside of me just doesn’t function as other people’s do?
f. Sometimes, I think that it’s not really me who has a problem with that, maybe it’s just people who can control it better than I do…! 😄
g. I just forget that one logic that I thought I followed but in the end I didn’t really follow…

At any rate, I fight this inconsistent self of mine. I try to find ways to be less lazy, or at least, to appear less lazy. Some other times, out of pure inconsistency, I’ll just let it be… so, I don’t know…

First example I just thought up of is how when meeting someone for the first time, I have this habit of saying: “I’m sorry, you’ll have to deal with me having a bad memory. I might not remember a lot of things that you tell me, but I do listen!”
And then, within the first meetings that I have with that person, I’ll sometimes remember the RANDOMEST things about them that they tell me, but not the most important things.

Oh Crap meme

Oh Crap meme

Me: “So, yeah, what’s new with you?”
A: “Well, today, I totally made out with that guy, B in our chemistry class.”
Me: “That’s good, that’s good… um… W-wait… WAIT! Weren’t you dating that C guy?” [my face (mentally) goes like this guy]
A: “I told you the last time we met, I broke up with him.”
Me: “Wait, why?”
A: “Because he CHEATED on me, remember? You even threatened to get yourself arrested for doing something nasty.”
Me: “Oh yeah! It was throwing my feces at him and it’s a natural state, A, a NATURAL state!”

See how I remembered the poop throwing contest but not the fact that a friend broke up with her previous boyfriend? [this is entirely fictional, guys. This did not happen in real life (though I do sometimes mention this need to throw my feces at people who threaten my great friends.]

NO.

NO. Meme

I can also appear extremely shy with strangers.
But the next day (or even the next MOMENT, even), with some other strangers, I’ll be bursting with energy and trying to make friends.
Some other times, I just mostly appear antisocial and glare at people (like this rather popular meme, Aw dang, this “NO” should have been for my “Am I deranged?” question of earlier…).
It can be for so many reasons (or rather, NON-reasons, I don’t question myself in those ways)…
It can be because I feel like they rub me the wrong way (look it up).
Because I’m having a bad day, or really just because for some reason, I don’t feel like working my smile muscles (though this guy seems to be working a LOT more muscles to frown like that, hahahaha, I’m-just-sayin’-plz), I don’t know…

Another example would be scheduling my posts.
My Tumblr is dead during the summer, but during the school year, it’s full of scheduled posts. I take the time to find some things to post and try to post them following a schedule, just to maintain this illusion that I’m active when really I’m probably on my computer, writing or planning a story or even doing my homework or watching anime or TV shows or even lost in my own world.

The same goes with my review blog. I’ve a dozen of reviews just ready to be posted in the world [whether you like them or not… (I just like to plan, because sometimes, I write things and then, the next day, I decide to delete some other things, and so on and so forth…) And then again, it’s so INCONSISTENT with the reason WHY I created that blog: to be able to say what I feel about certain movies/tv shows/games/etc. Now, how do I do that when I keep censoring myself?! GAH! The illogical mind, I have…], and yet, I wait. I wait partly because, wouldn’t it be inconsistent to post everything when I have it and suddenly, to stop and be in a hiatus for an undetermined time?

It’s to the point where I automatically know, when I say something like: Yeah, I’ll be there! in a certain way, I just instinctively know that my brain is already working out ways to find excuses not to be there. It can be because of the people, it can be because of the setting, it can be because of the environment, it can be because I simply feel too forced, like obligated, to do something, and how I hate that feeling… so instead of flat-out refusing the invitation and saying the truth: “I hate your face and your noisome attitude and I feel like seeing you in real life would endanger your life and my social status would be disparaged (or) upgraded to “Girl who flings her poop at people she simply cannot stomach”” [I can see the headlines already], my brain does the job of working out excuses and waiting for the last minute to make me feel sorry for the poor person’s face and eventually maybe showing up.

Does it happen to you sometimes, or do I just feel crazy and probably AM crazy?
(No, don’t answer that).

For goodness’ sakes, I may be a horse-on-fire as a pseudonym, but I’m just human, guys [not that I assume that all of you think this [nor do I assume that guys read this], it’s just… for the flow]. Because of this eccentricity mine, I find it extremely difficult to pinpoint ONE single good reason why I would be posting this as a Thought rather than an Obsession.

So yeah, my friends know of this… predicament I have already, and I can NOT thank them enough for them enduring this.
You’ve been warned. I’m not a consistent person.

Ponyo.out!

September 30th, 2013 P.S. Notice how I somehow posted my Superhero obsession over this one this week? I feel so bad… (this is INCONSISTENCY!) I think this will turn into some game…! Fun. Fun game I will probably be spontaneously playing here and there, but probably not in every post (but then again I don’t know). [well, this is why I put the time stamps…? 😄 ]

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