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Journal – About Me April Challenge (Day 7)

by on April 7, 2017

April 6th, 2017

Hello!
How are you all doing? I trust the beginning of April is coming along well! It seems like it’s going to be raining for a bit now, but we’ll be coming into some better weather pretty soon? After all, we’re supposed to be spring?! Anyways, this leads me to today’s topic:

Day 7: How are you feeling today?

WELL.

I don’t even have to label this as a “Did you know?!” kind of trivia fact, but it’s quite… funny. This question is one of the questions people most often lie about. And I’m, sadly, no exception to this.

As a fairly indecisive person in general, I never quite know where I stand on “how I do?”

  • Am I doing well? But if I’m doing well, why am I hesitating? Why am I not smiling? Am I hurt emotionally? Am I actually hurt physically? I did bump my head that one time, and somehow, now that I’m being asked this question, the head feels like there’s a bump on it… what if it’s cancer? What if I didn’t treat it correctly and this is actually some kind of infection…? And what if it will lead up to something, and then something worse, and because I’m not treating it, because man I have no time for that, because I’m over-working myself towards my grave, I’m going to die before I reach my goals of becoming a UNICORN?! 
  • Am I doing unwell? But I am not feeling as unwell as others could. I’m actually feeling okay? What if I admit that I’m not feeling well?! And then they decide to hound me on why I’m not feeling well, and then it makes me even less well, because I would then have to dissect my emotions. I don’t want to tell them my life story?! How do you explain to them that you’re feeling inadequate for so many aspects of your life, but without them going the usual: “No don’t feel like that, you’re awesome,” when they should know you’re already programmed NOT to believe them when they say that?! But then if they go the: “You’re right, you don’t deserve all the nice things you’ve had growing up,” it’ll just make me feel worse?! How can I NOT tell them all of this, but still somehow be honest? 

How am I feeling today?


I’m exhausted 200%.

I work a lot. And I say that, and I say that I’m exhausted, either it’s because of the fact that my brain works way too much, or because of the fact that I go to sleep at 1 am despite knowing that I will have to wake up at 6 am and leave for work, which starts at 7h30 am.

…But it’s just me complaining?

To me, complaining is a way of coping with the poor life choices that have led me to being very attached to my work load. Others might say it’s a waste of time, especially since we should be spending that time towards reaching our goals (it’s true, I concede), but it helps me put things in perspective. It may not make me happier, but it helps lessen the load that is on my shoulders.


I’m happy.

Despite the fact that I’m tired, that I need multiple alarm clocks to wake up in the morning, it doesn’t necessarily mean that I’m unhappy with my job. I love what I do, I feel blessed that I was able to work here for a year and three months, now (Work 1) over here right after I got my diploma?

I’m grateful that I have people who care enough about me that they would endure my complaining. I’m happy that somehow, I’ve made friends who, even when I’m snap at them, or when I’m distant, they still stick around for some reason, especially when I need them to be there, maybe not because I feel the need to talk, but just because I need a distraction from my muddy, muddy thoughts.

I’m grateful that I have a dog, who, unconditionally loves me, but doesn’t love me enough to play with me when I have time… and who manages to bring a smile on my face when I’m not feeling so good emotionally. Or when I feel helpless.

My tiresome day running after the children is always sprinkled with a mixture of disciplining, anger, but mostly, happy warm little moments that melts me inside, because they’re just so adorable and innocent, and quick. I’m happy that I feel sort of qualified for the job that I have. I’m happy that it seems like they’re progressing well under my care, and that it seems like they will be ready for the next year.


I’m unhappy.

And most of the time, I don’t know why. It can be because, all of a sudden, I remembered that I’m lonely

That a friend I’m used to talking to a lot seems to only respond to me when I’m always the one messaging them. That I’m being stupid, because they mostly feel like I’m so busy, that they don’t want to bother me more, by talking to me, when really, love it when they text me here and there, especially through a boring or particularly difficult day. So really, I should be grateful that they’re so considerate. So really, I’m selfish

Just to talk about anything. Light.

It can be because I still feel thoroughly inadequate. It can be because I’ve made one mistake, and it may have ruined a person’s day, and it haunts me

Sometimes, it’s just because I feel unsatisfied. I shouldn’t settle for this job, even if it makes me happy. Is it really happiness or am I just content? Am I settling? Shouldn’t I try to reach for higher? Are my goals sufficient enough? Shouldn’t I try to go further? Deeper?

Sometimes, I question my life choices. Even if I know it’s useless, and that I should look forward.


ponyta_greenI don’t know why it came out in the order it came out,
But yeah, that was it for today!
See you all tomorrow for yet another post, which I hope won’t end too grimly!
Ponyout 

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3 Comments
  1. charmanderp permalink

    :(((

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  1. Journal – About Me April Challenge (Day 14) | ponytaorponyboy

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